If it's me first? Everyone, strangers and those that love and tolerate him see an issue. Love. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. Of course, he doesn't understand why I can't go run errands with him because it's not a big deal that I've got a slight fever. My husband continued to be gone 4-5 nights a week with activities and my kids were completely out of control during this time, so I was exhausted and dealing with severe behavior issues each evening. I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. Unreal. My wife was raised wrapped in bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. It is not only me he has no sympathy for, it is his children as well. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. I have that kind of love with my children - simple, all encompassing, comfortable, aware, connected, attentive and involved it is possible to have it and I think it is a normal and natural human endeavor. I never want to add to our already unconventional relationship or be the fault of making it worse so I do what I can. Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. Obviously. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. Don't misunderstand me - I get it. This is the extent of OUR now/not now difference when it comes to love. WebA major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in your spouses diet, physical activity level, medication routine and need for rest. It always boils down to me getting sick on purpose! And my lack of ability to insist on my needs put me in a ditch with a broken neck on my moms 60 birthday. If the ADHD'er is unwilling to get help then really it's not fair for the other person to be the only one to want to actively work at it. I don't think it's right, but I think it's true. Some men are selfish creatures. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. Hewas an abusive, narcissistic Asshole. When my wife is sick, I tend to wait on her. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. I learned about myself and learned some hard lessons. That's his job. Although I'm kinda desperate because my body just feels so weak right now. At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor whena person who worked at the hotelbrought me a chair to sit down. You cant change something you dont know needs to be fixed. I see we are out of aspirin and ask him if he knows of any in the house. Would she normally kiss you before going to work? Then, why the * are they looking for a life partner in the first place?. The codependent wife moved back without his help and then he said he wasn't going back to therapy after one session. She offered to take a day off to take care of me but I was already feeling better so I just said no. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. not good. It was a costly move but I just was happy he was getting help. My husband has a 'man cold' right now. If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. Its me, me and my illness, that dominate our life. Emotionless. I understand what you mean. Recallingthe time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway? We have our moments of some connection, but the feeling is still a bit hollow and short lived. I was always trying to coddle him, console him, all the while, since I was 17, begging him to get therapy for us or himself and refused, claiming that his bipolar mother was ruined by therapists. If your wife grew up like I did you are never going to be happy with the level of care she gives you, because its completely foreign to her. Some people wait until the water is visibly murky before performing maintenance on the tank. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. Do you have kids that were sick too? I offered to set it up on his phone but of course he won't relinquish his phone, which is another story, and the primary basis of my divorce request. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. It was my truck. And no, it s not all about the relationship dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc. I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. Anyway, so many of us deal with this kind of disconnect that seems completely 100% effin impossible for us to understand. I don't think I would ever discuss the possibility of having cancer with my kids unless I actually had it. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. I just need a bit of support lol anyway, my wife won't be back until 4 PM. My husband's reaction? Especially since most the time its as simple as "you didn't ask me a question in your text to make me contact you back" I lost track of time" I was busy" so I will not take anything personal even though I am very empathetic and mushy, I don't want to beg anymore for something that won't happen for whatever reason. The former provides you both with a structure that can work (does for many couples.) When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. Press J to jump to the feed. 2. (Daddy issues?). The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). No, not really. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. But just like I learned when I lost my job two years ago, a job I thought defined me, one singular part of my life does not define me. He despises sickness- like it is a form of weakness or something. For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. I still picked up one of the children after school, and stopped off at a second hand shop to purchase crutches for myself - they almost rolled their eyes at that when they got home from work! WebMy girlfriend thinks I don't care for her but I do she's been sick for the past two days and I been trying to be nice by doing mostly everything for her I have to walk her to the bathroom give her medicine wash dishes pick up her groceries try to cook even though I'm not that good at it I have to get the bathtub filled for her I try my best to It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. Although Melissa's suggestions have some merit for a couple where there is active treatment adherence, I don't have much hope of change in my relationship with someone who never gives a thought to anyone else but himself. Now I'm going to get sick! Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. After I broke my foot, the Orthopedist put me in a non weight bearing cast. In the main area of the house there should be 2 colors, and now there are at least 5. In the first instance, you get his buy in. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I felt like I was dying, inside and out. I've been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. I, ME, MINE!! If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. I come first now. I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. Perhaps he would consider reading the free treatment e-book (look in the treatment guide for it) and also consider adding some 'attend time' to his schedule. I am not an illness. Bring her gatorade, soup, crackers, etc. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! Run!!! When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. Some people have zero bedside manner. I'm tired . WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. I often hear that if a person wants to be with you, they will. Anyway..it was really serious and I can't ever remember being that sick before in my life and it was horrible right? My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. I left work early and took them to hospital, tended them there, brought them home and generally took care of as much as I could to keep them comfortable and on the way to mending throughout. If that's something that you can't handle, it's best to call it off. Ihave neglected you. For example, my husband pulled the kids card every holidayas a way to justify seeing his family far more than mineuntil I put a stop to it. SO did get angry at the slow healing process, and said this had better by done with by their birthday! When I confront him about what I'm thinking about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry. It wont solvefor the dishonesty (and just found a new credit card). His mother died from Alzhiemer's, but was bi-polar and whatever else. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. yuck. WHAT? this was my question. 3. He didn't sleep well last night because he was stuffed up, coughing, etc. WebIm worried about my chest pain. If the tables were turned, I know he'd be acting like he was at death's door if he simply had the sniffles. When I was3 months pregnant, wetook a trip to Mexico. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. Unfortunately, many divorced dads want to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father. Not doing anything about it will make you resentful. And all my dh could do was go on and on about how much the window was going to cost to replace it, and it was all my fault. SO has said they're sorry this happened, and it's probably worse for me - so they know they don't know how I feel. I had to step down onto the patio from the back door. Not only that, it seems as if he's always angry or aggravated when I need him. Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? It took me 27 years to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me. I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. Always. I couldn't handle it. I was hospitalized for 3 days after that since I was infected by the local food and I was pregnant. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. It means you're a dumb ass push over that loves acting like a victim. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! Submitted by adhd32 on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 13:56. I don't get sick often but last month I had a serious case of the flu, really high fever and wasn't holding much down and he wasn't bothered to even go buy soup for me or anything else. Everyone understood, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me so long. For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! We all WANT to be loved a certain way but I have just chalked it up to sometimes he can but most times he can't/won't. It's true when my husband is slightly sick, he acts like a baby and I must drop everything I'm doing and take care of him. yikes!! Interesting. However Ive come to the realization that hes not the same as me. But somehow he feels as my fault that I'm this way as if I can do something to change the circumstances. I will keep that in mind. And I also have to include.I have a very low toleranceto this kind of behavior!! Communicate to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love for her. Fortunately, theres a That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. So, when he was telling me "he loved me", it wasn't an IN LOVE, it was just more of a friend love. I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. So I choose to let it go and know he is limited by the ADHD and other disorders that are undiagnosed until he can be humble and let go of his pride, and that right there is bigger than any disorder one can have. Okay, WE?? He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick. He didn't. Of course my Hcalled right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. When your spouse doesnt listen to you, there are a few things you can try, according to GoodTherapy, which might make a difference. Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. So pick your battles my friends and learn about yourself in the process. There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Get hand-picked resources and highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox. 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