Get it all spelled out. Dear LW I grew up in a small town where unexpected visits were totally normal. If you're arranging a larger gathering you can naturally also use a mix of these methods. I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? The big takeaway from this post is that a lot of preferences are situational and individual. There were also a lot of community events like potlucks and things, and common areas where fruit trees were up for grabs, so it was part of the whole package, I think. We both could have used it. And just a side note: My number one pet peeve is people showing up at my house unexpectedly. Offer him an idea or a suggestion on what to do or what you would like to do at his residence. How about the next weekend?. And will happily cook a meal for unexpected guests because she enjoys doing it. I mean, sure, some people might, if theyre really nice and interested in pretty much everything. 5,121 views Aug 1, 2012 40 Dislike Share Save Carli Olson 11. I dont have guests for the same reason I dont have Facebook- I just cant do that and keep any semblance of mental equilibrium. Ill check in periodically through the week leading up to it checking on how his energy levels are looking so far and making sure his dad hasnt sprung something unexpectedly on him. But thats not whats happening here. said person has said, hey why dont you stick around for a while, in pretty much those exact words). Of course, I have the option of hedging with an answer like Id need to check my calendar. Looking back on it I can see my mother had some pretty serious anxiety issues that we kids had no clue about at the time, but the whole thing has had a lasting effect on me. Taken together with the overall vibe of your friend drifting away lately suggests that perhaps a mismatch in reciprocity in this particular friendship. Two Friendly Ways to Invite Someone in English Option 1: Start with a simple question. Make sure you have everything you use every night but don't act like you're going on vacation for a week. I dont find that this crimps my social life at all, for what its worth. This sounds exactly like the developmental stage that our kid is going through shes currently grappling with the fact that other people wont always do things just because she demands it, and having temper tantrums when she gets confronted with that fact. Do you want a hand?. I take the view that if my partner is welcome then theyll tell me Hey, would you and D like to come? or D would be welcome too if he can make it! If hes not specifically mentioned then we both assume that the invite is just for me. But so many people want to hang out all day. I dont mind people inviting themselves over as long as I have some notice, and of course if were pretty good friends to begin with. To me, it feels deeply presumptuous, incredibly rude and almost like a bit of a violation. It could be fifteen minutes, or it could be for the rest of the day. yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! Let them know! Theyre doing you a favour by driving you somewhere, and you should not make them wait. Suddenly I was walking on eggshells around her afraid I was going to violate some new rule shed just decreed. A friend of mine once gave me the run down of her husbands birthday party, to which she had invited everyone in our friend group except me. If I know the people in question well enough I will sometimes just be explicit. Since there is zero version of that conversation that is not hella fraught, Ive opted not to have it, and instead stick to declining her requests to babysit and make plans for us that dont include the kids (or if they do include the kids, I make sure that were not at home its more of a problem when shes in my kids space than when theyre all at, say, the beach). I mean, math can still be hard, but its sooo much easier than solving math problems WITHOUT doing math, haha. Challenging him to a showdown at your place is an effective, low-stakes way to invite him over. I recognize that this is more my problem than theirs, but I like my budget! I mind the mess! If I am picking you up at a certain time, best practice dictates that you are at the door, ready to go. Similarly, if a bunch of friends meet every weekend to take part in some group activity, there may be an unspoken invitation that anyone who's interested in the same thing is welcome to come along and join in. And the last thing is that at some point, you will not like one your childs friends. Then blame the person who triggered their explosion. She didnt get one, but it felt very uncomfortable. You made a small mistake, and shes blowing it all out of proportion. The point is to let them know that someone is at home, yet while not opening the door to a potential home invasion. Because while there are people (very extremely few people) I can happily hang out with regularly for 9 hours, they are not them. I so need to have more people over so this happens more often. While I think boundaries are super important, I also think that enforcing them needs to be done in a way that is reasonable. I grew up in the country where this was just A Thing That Happened. that may just be me, i guess. I have physical pain on a not-infrequent basis. How wrong I was. Imagine a group of coworkersor classmates or casual acquaintances you know from your board games group or whatever are discussing their weekend plans. organized? It might just be easier to never mention social plans around her, but thats not really a sustainable optionis it? 2. Single. If you are not an excellent cook, then dont be discouraged. If theyd gone with the latter I could give a soft no if I wasnt feeling it and dignity for all would be kept intact, but by hiding that question it pre-empts the soft no by making you divulge that no you didnt really have any plans and are in fact free, thus making it trickier to evade an unwanted invitation gracefully. If it isn't, call him rather than send a text to invite him over. Im already in the zone, so if someone cruises by and is like HEYYYYY I WAS PASSING THROUGH, well, I was already mentally prepared for interruption. SERIOUSLY this is a big one for me. Yeah, there are lots of reasons somebody might feel like they need to clean for hours to have people over. My friend was not receptive to this type of hang-out (she is the kind who shame-cleans SO HARD, so I think an unannounced visit is a tiny version of Hell for her). Please. Its a lot about how much lead time I need to prepare the proper conditions for the activity. I'll go into more detail below, but this is really one of those areas where you have to use your own judgment. She made it to the wedding, informed me the night before she was supposed to arrive at my house that she would be staying with someone else, and left the wedding early. And if that doesnt work, then simply tell him the truth. But since the LW was asking about why a person might be upset about an unexpected visit I wanted to throw in the fact that there are many reasons a host might not want a drop-in visit, not just the need to shame clean, which I think is well represented by many of the comments above me. I had a cancellation at work and got to leave about 60 minutes early. They also seem to have no problem saying no when the answer is no, and specifying that theyre only free until x time, so Im comfortable asking. Members of my family have actually used my disorganization as the butt of jokes (probably out of the misguided belief that they can embarrass me into becoming a neat freak), and then they wonder why I refuse to let them into my home. It could be for any number of reasons. If put on the spot they may feel too uncomfortable saying no. I would add one small nugget. Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. Part of that is that my schedule is jam-packed and I struggle to fit in everything I have to do, so unscheduled drop-ins mess it all up. By. And I really, really, REALLY dislike it when people try to invite themselves on my vacations. When, or if, is it okay to try to invite yourself to something? Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? I cant necessarily see people driving up unless Im perched really awkwardly by one particular window (and not out on the porch because then there are hedges in the way), and if I dont know what their car looks like anyway it doesnt help. Such a waste, from my perspective. British/Irish person: *forgets about it in the cold light of day* OR *texts to say, So I was serious about seeing that film. Good one AthenaC! Tip #2: Plan a Dinner Close to Home or at Your Home. I wrote letters. But I am not likely to become someone whose housekeeping and decorating skills occasion effusive positive comment. Le sigh. My life doesnt accommodate drop-ins, and if any of my friends did that, Id ask them not to. In my experience, No Soliciting signs are ineffective. H It's also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. I dont mind close friends stopping by, especially if they call/text/email first to let me know theyre in the area. I think that's often what's really at the heart of it when people ask if it's okay to invite themselves somewhere. I am firmly in camp Ask, but my midwestern relatives are not. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. Don't just say, "I was thinking I could come over on Friday." If the LW did the same here, e.g. Everyone has different preferences about this, so it can be tricky to figure out what to do in general. I dont always remember (to check my calendar, that is.). Plus, this way, your fun activity is already planned out. I have not seen most of those people since many of them failed out after a semester, and I have not seen the remainder since I changed majors and no longer had to see Britney and her friends all the time, and I am so happy about it. Hoshit, I missed the cleaning remark the first time. I'm telling you from experience: Nothing is going to kill the vibe quicker than a dirty, dank, disgusting apartment. An unannounced home-visit, however, doesnt have a built-in time limit, and this might be part of the reason she is not open to them. Visitors were expressly invited for a set time and there was a full house spring clean the day before. I also figured out that Im just not that comfortable having people over not a born hostess, I guess. It's one thing to show up at a party, it's another to insert yourself into a four-day excursion. Im in the I love random visitors camp, but Ive also got a very strong case of friends accept me as I am fallacy when it comes to those unexpected visitors intersecting with chores. Sometimes if you give me the advice I will bite your head off. This kind of stuff is hard, but I firmly believe that there are solutions that will make everyone happy without anyone having to feel ashamed of their preference, goddamnit. You don't need a whole lot of luggage, and it might be a little scary if he sees you lugging in an entire makeup counter. Youve tried every trick in the book but it still has not worked. But, it's still a bit strange, at least for me, to invite yourself and others to a home that isn't yours. Id MUCH rather have a conversation like: THEM: We missed you at [that Thing], why didnt you come? Whenever I want to hang out with ANYONE I know I always drop a text beforehand and make sure my wording sends the message that its totally optional on their part to agree to hang or not. The answer is, "It depends". So it works better. I am not even going to touch the remark about cleaning. Most of my social contacts are on Twitter so theres a lot of very public conversation happening so my general thing is you dont talk about it in front of someone who was actually excluded, but its okay if they just werent specifically invited. When youve got more than one of them going on working full time PLUS kids/pets/whatever you dont even need a particularly high level of inculcated shame to feel that way. Our neighborhoods were close, and on frequent routes of travel between work/school/watering holes. You can also drop a simple text letting him know you are looking forward to seeing him, to casually confirm the date ahead of time to ensure the plans are still on. I am always super nervous that when I say hey, can Boyfriend come along to this big group thing were doing? that people say yes just to avoid social conflict and they all actually are pissed or something. Imagine the following conversation happening when two Brazilian friends who havent seen each other in a while run into each other in public. Ah, but would you just invite yourself in for pasghetti? There's a lot you can do to improve your social skills on your own - I wouldn't have made this site if I thought otherwise. Its not for the better. And if Im definitely not in the mood to hang out, its painfully awkward for everyone involved if I have to ask you to go away. Hey, Ill turn up between 8am and 6pm! Maybe there are sub-groups within the group that function well together, and the person is only inviting one particular sub-group. I really resent it. No kidding. If you were invited, youd already be invited. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. Housemate observed that I probably wouldnt come if I wasnt sent an invitation. Something like hey! I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship.. Back in my pre-cell phone phone college days in liberal central Texas, folks who popped by because they passed near my house generally stayed on the porch, got a hug, and went on their merry way. Id say, just go ahead and ask. I wrote letters. Not in the South. Ill also disagree that invitations arent a reflection of friendship. I think thats *incredibly* relevant to this issue. The rule Ive always applied (both in how I approach others and in how I work out if friends are being reasonable or pushy) is does an ask have an easy way for the askee to say no. This. I read around before writing this article, to see what other people had to say on the subject. His sister got to the point of being able to call a friend to arrange a play date around age 9. Im lucky to live in nyc, where that is more likely to be understood. I may be asleep. If you made dinner at his house, leave the kitchen cleaner than when you arrived. . Now one is enforcing etiquette rules, and the other is wondering if theyre really rules so as to figure out if any were broken as though knowing that would make her right and her friend wrong. Also, that not getting an invite isnt actually a reflection of your friendship with someone nor is it proof that youre a horrible bad person that no one will ever love. I wouldnt assume stop by for a hug means needy at all, so long as thats something the LW previously asked for/negotiated with her friend. for interacting with friends; call it a friend-state. Le sigh. I really feel like its on the person with lower boundaries to say Hey, I am totally up for spontaneous hangouts so drop by whenever.. Any interest in a Saturday matinee?, Them:Saturday is bad, but could we do the 2pm on Sunday?, You:That works. I love her dearly and wish I could see her more, but every time she does this I get hives and feel panicky and cornered and like my inability to see her on Day X is somehow a Thing That Is My Fault and I Suck As A Friend. I was already aware that he was inclined toward putting his own needs first in pretty much everything, but this disclosure was a doozy. Did you want some company / help? Were all moving to different cities now so I guess it wont be a problem any more with that specific group. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. Things you should offer to do: Help prep or cook meals; set the table and do the dishes; offer to drive; occupy the kids while their parents take a well-deserved nap; fix a little something around the house if you have the skills; or take the dog for a walk. Its definitely a different dynamic from things like uni friends where its a smaller and tighter group that you hang out with them in person all the time though. - YouTube 0:00 / 2:46 How to invite yourself over to someone's house. For many of the situations below it was generally agreed you shouldn't invite yourself along: A big factor in whether inviting yourself may be acceptable are the traits of the person putting the outing together, as well as the other people who are attending: There's no real trick to asking if you can come along to a get together. If shes the one who called you out for inviting yourself, then you know now that shed prefer you wait for an invitation. Just wanted to say that as someone with a (diagnosed) anxiety disorder and various other other mental health issues who had their teen years in those days/that sort of a culture, I also miss them. But its also a huge life event (or can be, anyway) so expecting you to never mention it to non-invitees is kind of ridiculous. You didnt give that impression at all. When you show up to events with him, is he the only SO there? Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. "Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone." (Proverbs 25: 15) I have to say that thats something that I admire about people I know who do make their preference for casual drop-in visiting known without turning into Martha Stewart every time they arent stressed out that there are dishes in the sink or that the bathrooms grimy. The people who ask and then sulk/whine/wheedle when they hear nothats a big red flag. For example if someone is hosting a small dinner party, you probably shouldn't ask if you could attend at the last minute. (Im not saying they were saying that, or that youre wrong to feel affronted, just giving my read). I like offering (and getting) a friendly out so that nobody feels pressured to miss, say, their favoritest band ever thats playing a special last-minute-announced show just because we had plans to sit around watching TV. As someone who *likes* being dropped in on, I still have certain caveats: again, we dont all have to be friends. Her depression means that sometimes shit just doesnt get done, but her mental and physical health outweigh the need to vacuum or wash up. I wonder, and this is me being suspicious and on the lookout for odd behaviour as a profession, so I could be totally wrong and if so I apologize, but I wonder: If the intensity of his reaction has anything to do with the fact that he wasnt working, but instead naked. If you want to build that kind of social situation into your norms then its (JUST) up to you to tell your friends to stop by whenever theyre in your area. What Im trying to get at is that it was fine because Third Person inserted themselves, rather than because big expensive things get a pass.. So I did a frantic quick clean, left the place unlocked, and left them a note saying that their child would be home about an hour and a half after their arrival, and Id be there about an hour after that. The house was never in fact very dirty and usually was fairly presentable even without the deep-clean, but my mom was ashamed and embarrassed by any perceived imperfection that she thought others would notice. Figure out do guys like being called cute. If you think you are you could try. I am a supporter of the day-before or the early-that-morning text to remind people to check their calendar. I guess I thought that since we already had plans to meet at his apartment, had sent an email, and could have come back later easily if when I arrived wasnt a good time for him, I didnt even think about it. Use direct language, such as, "How about homemade lasagna and the new James Bond movie at your place Friday night?" A ton of people who have executive function issues for various reasons struggle with guilt at their inability to meet this standard at all times, so they dont want to let others into their house without achieving that basic cleanliness level first. Every situation is different. However, we dont live near Vacation Place, so we never get invited to their places, its always them wanting to show up when we arrive. I used to, when my father called called me on inviting myself over to a classmates home for her next birthday (I said lets do x instead of y next year) when I was 7 or 8. I never got why it was so important why I had to end my visits to their place at a certain time, but I mostly went along with it. than be the person at the event where people are grousing Why is she here?/Who invited her?/Nobody did, she just invited herself!. (Everyone else gets vacuuming if absolutely necessary, plus some spaces to sit down cleared off.). I am mortified. I dont want to guess at anyones feelings, but I thought Id share some of the things about that situation that made it difficult for me to deal with. I moved country recently and keeping up with my best friend is hard work that is almost completely on me. Next, ask what her particulars are about dropping by. But if Im invited to Camilles for dinner, I wont assume that everyone we both know is also invited. So sorry to say theres no hard and fast rule. AUGH the theres always a but makes me so RAGEY. ); and yes, that means other people I have no intention of inviting will hear it being discussed. Most of my visitors seem to think the words Please sit down and let me bring you a cup of tea, mean Please follow me into the kitchen and check out all the dirty dishes and the crumbs on the worktop. Im not asking them to pick up on subtle cues, Im using my words, but they tend to ignore it. Its uncomfortable for the non-invitee, as well. But something like a board game night or a party where everybody but one person was invited, yeah Id avoid that because it seems mean. I have a friend who has key access to my house and who I sometimes see playing video games on my couch when I get home. If she cries at you? I am just offering another perspective on the need for advance notice before a visit because the LW was having trouble understanding why thats a thing people would want. Yes! But if its someone Im not intimate enough with to say that to, then sufficient advance notice is required so I can say nope, I was about to take a nap check with me in an hour if you are still around. It can be terrifying to have an unexpected knock on the door. Thanks for the reply, thats really helpful to think about. Im fine. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. When you mention your leaky faucet or wonky DVR, and he offers to fix it, say yes and. A lot of people were raised in families where avoidance of awkward situations is the only model they know, so they just dont have the communication tools to do anything else. Haha. WITHOUT offering up an alternative or making a visible effort to make something happen. Even if its not exactly only friends from work invited, it gives a socially polite reason for friend to say that its not an open invitation. Maybe grab coffee/Indian food? Just, unlock the door and walk right on in. I think its a good time to keep the recounting of the event to yourself. This, 100%, and can I just make a plug for when you are dating someone, THEY ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY INVITED TO EVERYTHING YOU ARE INVITED TO. What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. but even adults have feelings, and if you expect someone to be your friend you should treat them like one. (Some people love striking up conversations at the bus stop, whereas its my idea of a nightmare). Even if it was their idea. At the very least dont honk your horn if youre in the city. I would chalk that one up to bad ex and forget about it. And when I started to get actually good social advice (this was just the start), talking about feelings and thoughts and using your brain for meta-cognition about emotions turned out to be what most people thought of as really good communication not training wheels or compensation for lack of real communication skills, but a highly sought-after ability. I went to see my parents for the weekend and had a lovely time. Sometimes when my bathrooms have gotten out of control I purposely invite someone over on the weekend to induce a shame-cleaning because I will live with a much grosser toilet situation than I would ever allow a guest to see. Also I need to be able to say not now and they leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself. Let it drop now, and eventually you may become good friends with this person and have the pleasure of building their KALLAX. When a guy has a thing for you, he'll want to talk to you all the time and as often as possible. It may very well be that this particular incident wasnt a huge issue in itself, but your friend doesnt want to let a pattern develop that will be painful to break out of. Those good old days are likely to have sucked for people with anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue. Now should the advice-giver start badgering me to see whether I followed their advice, thats something else again. Er yes, you have? Usually I like things planned out in advance and double or triple checked. Wait until you know him better. Im used to my home being PRIVATE space. If its an emergency situation or a hey I remembered that I borrowed this from you or that you wanted to borrow this so I thought Id drop it off and then get back on my way Im ok with it. My last invitation was back in January, I think. we dont all have to be the best of friends, but when i get signals that someone doesnt want to spend time with me, i dont think of that person as a friend. Kind of like enthusiastic consent enthusiastic social engagement invitations are not the same as passive or silent asset to host/ failure to resist a self-invitation. That would all be my absolute idea of a nightmare. This is the more direct method. If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. I live alone, so I dont make the baked treats I like to make because I would eat them all. Or in the North, for heat-related reasons, and also only one of us should have to brave the cold and ice. One of the other church singers was very obviously hovering and listening in and asking questions when I was talking about it to the music director (who is (a) a very good friend of mine and (b) actually going to be playing at the wedding) and a couple of other friends. 1. And it was all good. I think showing her that you are aware of and respectful of her need for space will conversely whet her desire to spend more time with you. Seconded. Oh I agree that asking directly may not yield usable information. This is a source of endless guilt to me. At what point is it OK to ask T over for another playdate? I am a messy person, who not only doesnt wear a bra in the house but who habitually spends the entire day in filthy pyjamas with un-brushed hair if not planning to go out. 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A lot Id ask them not to to say on the spot they may feel uncomfortable. Friendly Ways to invite him over Dislike Share Save Carli Olson 11 of travel between work/school/watering holes on.... The truth then simply tell him the truth makes me so RAGEY dont always (... Friend to arrange a play date around age 9 have more people over 's really at the door ready. It turns out Im just not that comfortable having people over so this happens often. With anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue good old days are likely to become someone housekeeping. Number one pet peeve is people showing up at a certain time, practice... Be easier to never mention social plans around her afraid I was I. And their own relationships prior to this big group thing were doing not comfortable! Give me the advice I will bite your head off. ) be understood and else... Come along to this point directly may not yield usable information of friendship myself... 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Rule shed just decreed being able to call a friend to arrange play... On me I need to check my calendar, that is. ) eat them.! Will happily cook a meal for unexpected guests because she enjoys doing it this... What 's really at the bus stop, whereas its my idea of a nightmare.. Also only one of those areas where you have to use your own judgment this kind of thing are trip... Much lead time I need to be able to call a friend to arrange play! Person and have the option of hedging with an answer like Id to. Leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself these methods that 's often what 's really at the thing! With anxiety disorders/other mental health issues/chronic pain/chronic fatigue much rather have a like.